Tomorrow, there'll be sun.


It's pretty yucky out today -- rainy. (At least it's not snowy!) But I woke up feeling very motivated, which is quite a change from the last several months!

I don't hide the fact that I have literally disabling anxiety -- I mention it on my "about me" page here -- but I also don't talk about it beyond rare passing mentions. I go to therapy and have friends with whom I can discuss this kind of thing and don't consider anxiety welcome on Cure Touch. But this is just factually what has been going on with me as of late.

As I mentioned in my last post, I have been going off of an anti-anxiety medication I'd been trying out for the last six or seven months. I was going through some MAJOR work-related anxiety that I was having trouble coping with. While this new med did help me in some ways, I increasingly felt I was just going through the motions with everything, and my depression, which has been in check for years, returned. I was put on yet another anti-depressant in addition to the one I am already on to help try and counter-balance that.

This anti-anxiety med had sort of switched off my desire to do much of anything, which is really uncharacteristic for me. I was sleeping more than is normal for me, yet always just wanted to sleep more. I was getting no pleasure from anything -- food, TV, crafting. I had stopped writing (even journaling, not just creative writing which is my main hobby) or playing the guitar much. I was procrastinating on everything because I didn't feel like doing anything. I am a person who thrives on creative outlets, on making things, on getting to-do lists done, and I need these things to feed my soul. I am not surprised I got into doing more YouTube videos, since I wasn't able to concentrate on my normal hobbies, but also still very surprised I was able to make any videos at all with the way I was feeling. I am still trying to work up to feeling like doing one of those again.

While it sounds obvious that this med was not working for me, I wanted to give it a very fair chance to settle into my system and see if it could help me. But I finally had to accept that it was harming me more than helping me, and I had to face my fear about going off it and the terrifying possibility of my anxiety getting so bad again. "I can't go back to last summer. I can't do that again," is what I've been saying for months. But I also couldn't continue on without anything in life meaning anything to me. So I've been going off it again.

Today, I woke up really wanting to take Blythe pictures. It was pouring rain out, though, so I just nipped off to the sunroom with Bonnet and gave it a go with my 50mm lens. (Which I am still not used to using!)

I'm just so happy that I felt the urge to do anything, even just take some pictures. I've been literally forcing myself to do even just that for months. It's been a while.


Bonnet's pearly Mary Janes from JemgirlCreations are so awesome. I just recently got a couple of Neo Blythe-size Mary Janes from Jemgirl too and I can't wait to dress up a couple of Blythes with these new shoes! It feels so nice to want to do something!

3 comments:

  1. "It feels so nice to want to do something!" <-- yes! I have super duper bad anxiety, too (something else we have in common - yay?) and the way it just sucks up all my motivation is the worst. I'm definitely in one of my slumps (hence lack of activity nearly everywhere) but I'm glad you at least felt like taking some photos. That's a good thing! And Bonnet is adorable so I love seeing photos of her :)

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  2. Oh, but I'm sorry you've been struggling! <3

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    1. Oh, thank you, Andi! I'm sorry to hear that you have anxiety too! But at the same time, it's nice to have that in common with someone, to know that neither of us are alone in our experiences, so it's nice to have in common with you. IN A SILVER LINING KIND OF WAY! Thanks so much, again. <3

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