Tomorrow, there'll be sun.
It's pretty yucky out today -- rainy. (At least it's not snowy!) But I woke up feeling very motivated, which is quite a change from the last several months!
I don't hide the fact that I have literally disabling anxiety -- I mention it on my "about me" page here -- but I also don't talk about it beyond rare passing mentions. I go to therapy and have friends with whom I can discuss this kind of thing and don't consider anxiety welcome on Cure Touch. But this is just factually what has been going on with me as of late.
As I mentioned in my last post, I have been going off of an anti-anxiety medication I'd been trying out for the last six or seven months. I was going through some MAJOR work-related anxiety that I was having trouble coping with. While this new med did help me in some ways, I increasingly felt I was just going through the motions with everything, and my depression, which has been in check for years, returned. I was put on yet another anti-depressant in addition to the one I am already on to help try and counter-balance that.
This anti-anxiety med had sort of switched off my desire to do much of anything, which is really uncharacteristic for me. I was sleeping more than is normal for me, yet always just wanted to sleep more. I was getting no pleasure from anything -- food, TV, crafting. I had stopped writing (even journaling, not just creative writing which is my main hobby) or playing the guitar much. I was procrastinating on everything because I didn't feel like doing anything. I am a person who thrives on creative outlets, on making things, on getting to-do lists done, and I need these things to feed my soul. I am not surprised I got into doing more YouTube videos, since I wasn't able to concentrate on my normal hobbies, but also still very surprised I was able to make any videos at all with the way I was feeling. I am still trying to work up to feeling like doing one of those again.
While it sounds obvious that this med was not working for me, I wanted to give it a very fair chance to settle into my system and see if it could help me. But I finally had to accept that it was harming me more than helping me, and I had to face my fear about going off it and the terrifying possibility of my anxiety getting so bad again. "I can't go back to last summer. I can't do that again," is what I've been saying for months. But I also couldn't continue on without anything in life meaning anything to me. So I've been going off it again.
Today, I woke up really wanting to take Blythe pictures. It was pouring rain out, though, so I just nipped off to the sunroom with Bonnet and gave it a go with my 50mm lens. (Which I am still not used to using!)
I'm just so happy that I felt the urge to do anything, even just take some pictures. I've been literally forcing myself to do even just that for months. It's been a while.
Bonnet's pearly Mary Janes from JemgirlCreations are so awesome. I just recently got a couple of Neo Blythe-size Mary Janes from Jemgirl too and I can't wait to dress up a couple of Blythes with these new shoes! It feels so nice to want to do something!